I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
