i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
