just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
