Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
