I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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