I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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