thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
