It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
