I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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