Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
