I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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