I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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