Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
