Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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