Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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