Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
