in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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