You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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