Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
