Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
