dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
