I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
this boner is exhausting
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
