I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
