she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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