peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
