are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
