i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dear god my vagina.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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