Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
