Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
