Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
