I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
