Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize