I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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