Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
