I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
