i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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