Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
