I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
