cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
