I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
