winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize