Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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