I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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