HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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