Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
