I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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