I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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