literally had 100 drinks last night.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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