Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
