Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
