I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
