I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
