I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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