He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
