My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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