I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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