It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
