if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
