Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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