never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
did you just send me my own nude
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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