Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This girl is more easily done than said...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
