Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
