I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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