Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
