One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
