I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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