Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
