who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
