Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
