Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
